I am at home – a mental treatment facility, and I am sitting in a chair with a thosiba laptop on my laps. I feel like I do things concurrently, or maybe consecutively. I don’t know, it is hard to realize what is actually going on.
I have noticed that my mind wanders beyond what’s consider normal. They call it disorganized speech, and I see their logic but I don’t agree with it because I have noticed that when I make statements I seem to be normal, but when I answer questions I see to show what they call mind-wandering. What is that, and why is it not normal?
I like to wander because I like to follow patterns in a given stement until I finally get to what I seem to think is the root of that statement. It’s like trying to reach an infinite light and you get to the point that your mind reachest the strongest pressure that it can mentally hold, and then you stop.
I am done, I’ve given up.
I recall that a few minutes ago a person I met, and a person that happens to believe he was or is my friend – and I don’t know because I don’t trust, started to show interesting behaviour. He appears to be upset, or angry, or just frustrated. I don’t know, but I think it is very insteresting and hilarious. I am trying to remember what he actually said, but I think I will just try to pay attention because he keeps walking back and forth. I can’t quite get it, he voice sounds slightly more comprehensable than a murmur.
He talked to me but I coudn’t comprenhend what he was trying to say. He spared a cig with me and I joined him. While he was talking about drugs, and how if he get hook backed on will have him “tweaking”.
Now I just came back from drinking a Mickie 40 at my nearest park. He is back talking pure B.S. and now I feel that I have to put up with it. I am lightweigth drunk and it makes me wonder if I have a drinking problem. I am only in my 20’s and I’ve drinking for the last two weeks everynight. Around 8:00PM I feel the craving for a beer. I get a mild feeling of emptyness and isolation. I wonder about the world and the things I do and then I wind up in a concious state of mind that makes me realize how meaningless everything is. I mean, thinking about it is meaningless because no mattter what the end result will be, I will always feel either well enough, or sufficiently sad, or fairly mad. I could be a real cynic and tell myself that everything will be alright, but I can’t and I probably won’t do that. It is probably because I am living in a powerless situation. Perhaps that’s the reason I look at those who are feeling wonderful and seem to only talk about the good things they happen to have. And then I look at those who are doing bad and have to listen to all the stuff that happens to them.